The one CSR who works the phones for Home Depot

So, we're remodeling a bathroom. It costs a lot, but we budgeted for it. I spent many hours selecting fixtures from Home Depot's website with the intention of going to the store and handling the items before ordering them online. Why, do you ask, would you order them online instead of buy them at the store? Good question, the answer to which is simple: the online prices regularly sat at $20 to $40 below the store cost, with free shipping to boot.

When I arrived at the store, I discovered they don't actually have all the items I picked out in stock. I should have anticipated this, since it's a common practice with all big box stores to carry more inventory online than in-store. I decided to simply browse the actual store, pick out new fixtures, and go home and order them online.

Bad idea. Turns out, Home Depot doesn't make it easy to find in-store items online. They have different names, different categories, and yes, even different model numbers for the same products. So the model numbers I hastily inscribed on my handy-dandy notebook in-store yielded no results in the search field. I accidentally discovered that some items might actually be available online when I accidentally clicked a link to browse shower heads and recognized the picture of the shower head I had picked out. The name under the picture was unfamiliar, but that was the one I wanted.

At least I hope so. I haven't actually received the order yet.

Well, after all that cumbersome effort to get the right price and the right product, I finally sat down, mid-afternoon, at the computer with the intention of completing the fixtures order for the remodel. Of course, when you need 30 minutes of distraction-free time, some kind of alarm goes off in the kids' heads and chaos ensues. I think I got up 15 times over the course of an hour to help Tyler "go potty," which I put in quotes because he never actually DID anything on the potty, but yes, he did go TO the potty.

By the end of it, I remembered that I was working on a laptop which did, in fact, also work in the bathroom, so I took it with me to watch Tyler sit on the toilet. He has mastered sitting on the toilet. That's why I will be thrilled with the new sitting area we have designed in our new bathroom, for the mom who has spent many hours each week watching a toddler sit on the toilet for the last 6 years of her life.

I pressed "Submit order" triumphantly after accruing a hefty total, but (and I pride myself on this) I scoured the Internet for a coupon and saved 10%. It just about covered sales tax.

Twenty minutes later, chaos ensued.

The credit card company called to say they had declined five charges from Home Improvement Warehouse based on suspicious activity. I told them I didn't know about Home Improvement Warehouse, but I did just make a hefty purchase from Home Depot. Is that what they meant? No, it just says Home Improvement Warehouse. And on it goes. I believe an hour passed, or maybe three hundred days for all the cumbersome mire we were wading through in the customer service arena, before they finally figured out that "Home Improvement Warehouse" was just a category, and yes, it might well be Home Depot. Why they broke it up into five charges is beyond me. I blame Home Depot for this whole insanity, because their weirdo accounting triggered suspicion in the credit card company. We told them we were remodeling a bathroom, and had in fact bought those items from Home Improvement Warehouse AKA Home Depot.

So then I called Home Depot and very kindly asked them to resubmit the charges because the credit card company has agreed to accept them next time they run through. After a very tiresome 10 minute conversation about why she can't do that, the customer service representative told me, "I don't mean to be rude, but you're just going to make things worse by running the charges again. It was already declined. I can't run it through again. You're going to have to make another order and cancel this one line-item." (Turns out, that wasn't entirely true.)

I replied, "Listen, I know a lot of this is automatic, but there has got to be a person or a department at Home Depot that manually handles problems like this. Can I talk to one of them?"

She said, "No ma'am, there's no one else."

What?! No one else works at Home Depot. This woman must be a superhero.

"You just need to be patient and see what happens over the next few days."

I said, "Thank you."

She then repeated her previous statement about making things worse not once but twice, to which I replied, "Thank you" each time, wishing I could just hang up without being rude.

So I hung up. And I was patient, which was hard, considering I was counting on "3-5 day delivery" and the items weren't even packaged up by day 3, much less shipped. The next day, I made the order again. I posted my 10% coupon and free shipping, and I also found those few lurking items that had alluded my notice the day before. So I was happy.

Then I clicked the "Live Chat" button to cancel the first order line-item, as instructed, even though it had already been declined. "Elizabeth" heard my story and set about cancelling. She then noticed that the items in the order were now routed, meaning they had been pulled from the warehouse and packaged.

I said, "That's funny because yesterday, they told me the credit card had been declined, and I would have to make another order."

She said, "Yes, I see in the notes here that you requested they resubmit the charges."

I replied, "I did. I was told that was not possible, and I would have to make another order."

She said, "I will proceed with the cancellation, but there's no guarantee it will work."

At least I can return the double-ordered items to any local Home Depot... she assured me (which I will have to do, according to the most recent automatic email I received from Home Depot). Of course, all the Home Depot assurances I've been getting lately don't make me confident. I imagine many more hours and miscommunications will be invested before this whole mess is over.

Maybe next time, I'll order from Lowe's... the other Home Improvement Warehouse. Oh boy, here we go again.